Insert scream…..agrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhh!! STILL frustrated, but man my passion to get rid of this weight is epic, it’s strong! As I said before I’m so damn sick of waking up to the weight in my chest, the inability to get out of bed, restless nights sleep and soooooooooo many more neg and annoying feelings.

So I’ve been reading “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne, this is my 2nd time around reading this book and there is also an audio version of this book and a movie if listening and watching rather than reading suits you better. 2nd time round I’m feeling alot more GRATEFUL for each word I read, honestly I get this tingly sort of weight rising out of me feeling whenever I read this book. I find that I need to be relaxed myself and ready to read before I begin reading to really take in the teachings in this book. I get a really excited feeling to read it as it has SO much to teach me. And I try, I really do try so hard to practice and implement the lessons I’ve learnt from the teachers whom are a part of the lesson “The Secret” but…I always feel like I fall short of achieving most sorts of positivity in my life. When something that has effected me such as a conversation in my day I can look back on it and see where I went and am going wrong with my thoughts but in the moment I end up digging a bigger whole for happy Mumma to emerge out of. And even knowing “The Secret” and knowing any negative thoughts will just continue to come my way by thinking them my busy brain still drifts back to how I felt hurt in that moment. I feel alot of hurt as of late and I need to believe, because it’s actually true, I think that, I’m only hurting myself. I feel like I need to wrap myself in bubble wrap, speak to know one but my partner (of course, my safe calm place) and I feel that this will protect me and my feelings and my brain in the hope that time will heal my thoughts.

Next question but, how long will I need, how long will I be a problem in everyone whom surrounds me lifes??? Answer me that please?!

I try to do activities that calm and and heal me and touch me in a happy way leaving happy thoughts, my activities are those of having animal docos on either watching them or having them on in the background really soothes and calms my nervs. David Attenborough is my fav!! Same goes with Harry Potter, mostly I watch move #1 as having 3 littlies around it’s the most child friendly and least dark. Sitting with my kids is another, chocolate dare I say is another, gardening…. Finding time to fit these things into my busy life is difficult but with anything that you want I find I just block out the rest if this is what I really need right now.

Am I helping anyone or is putting my story out their only making me more vulnerable? I do pray and think that their are people reading this that find comfort and help in following my journey.

Mumma x

A day in the life of Mumma

Back at the feeling of utter FRUSTRATION with this flat & nervy feeling!! Countless times throughout my days I feel nervous with a pressure on my chest. Oh and you know what, I still have been googling my condition trying to find comfort in not feeling alone and looking for help and motivation in other people’s steps to recovery, great reminder that “blogs” work! Gosh I just have so many questions circling in my head!!

Ok so here is a start, I don’t feel happy with my current medications, so I’ve been on and off and swapped types of medications (all doctor approved) now for 6 years, but 6 years appears not to have been enough time for me to find the medications that work for me best. Now let me tell you, the process of taking medication, swapping them, weaning off and back on to a different type are all hard, long and scary steps for the patient. The current medications I take are Fluoxetine 20mg and Lyrica 150mg twice daily. I wonder….what medications or other remedies work for you, I’d really LOVE some ideas?

After having a crappy few days last week with nerves, nausea and that weighty feeling on my chest I decided after thinking about it that my most crippling time of the day is first up in the morning, lasting a couple of hours starting as I wake up, so I’ve been setting my alarm to wake myself at 5am to allow my body the time it needs to wake, relax and breath before I have to put on my big girl pants and push myself to get the kids ready for the day and off to school and other daily activities. I do still get the nervy feeling, heart fluttering, heavy chest and constant tired feeling throughout the day but it comes and goes more quickly and is defintaly push throughable.

Can you see why I’m frustrated, everyday….the same thing…..

I wouldn’t normally be feeling these symptoms unless I’m relapsing or coming out of a relapse, which I guess I still am but this end is lingering.

When anxiety is peeking my Psychiatrist starts me on 25mg Phenergan twice daily also. The Phenergan works well for me I think but when the relapse is on the end he slowly weans me back off the Phenergan which I have now completly been off for like 2 weeks, and this is why I’m questioning my medication I think because I feel as though my withdrawal is really lingering. Never before after coming off Phenergan have I felt like I’m withdrawing for this long (however I think that every time I have come off the Phenergan my withdrawal from it is getting longer each time). And so naturally with anxiety comes the landslide of “self doubt” and I’m worried and wondering….maybe I still need the Phenergan….maybe my other daily medications aren’t enough of a dose for me…and the thoughts just keep rolling in.

All I want is to damn well think straight, feel lighter and not talk about myself and my problems!

Please, please reach out if your feeling the same, maybe we can help eachother by talking through this together, or maybe you have some solutions or ideas that work for you that you would like to share with me.

#RUOK Day

Mumma X

I’m Mumma

My journey living with anxiety and depression began about 6 years ago…….

The Dr called it “Postnatal Depression” as at the time my oldest daughter was about 12 months old.

I am currently recovering from my 4th relapse since that time 6 years ago and I now have 3 children the oldest now being 7 than 2.5 and 8 month old.. girl.. boy.. girl in that order.

Before I get into describing my pains please understand I DO NOT wish to become public with ALL my private life. I also do not know how often I will post an article or how far blogging may take me. I am simply finally feeding a thought I’ve sat on for at least a year now hoping to release my own tensions, frustrations and feelings regarding my journey with a mental illness. I just want to help myself by sharing my journey and maybe help others, let them know their not alone, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!

I manage my illness with medication along with help, support and guidance from my GP, I also see a psychologist and also a psychiatrist and all 3 I will see weekly throughout a relapse and then moving to a fortnightly or monthly appointment base for my recovery.

My fiance is by far my #1 support, he is professionally speaking “My safe calm place”. (Those of you that see or have seen a therapist or any professional in the past related to this illness may know what a safe calm place is.) But also I am proud to mention that my oldest daughter now knows how to comfort and calm me as well, she has learnt to hold me, hold my hand, pat my hand all things that really soothe me if I get worked up and my fiance is out.

Over the years I have found myself “googling” many blogs, forums and articles related to my exact feelings, looking for reassurance that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy or stupid or different. So I only hope that as much as my goal in creating this blog is a tool to help me that it may help you too.

Some feelings I carried through this relapse are nausea, a tight chest, fast and heavy breathing, a shaking and twitching and also I was quite teary, upset and emotional.

The first thought that pops forward when I try to describe this relapse is FRUSTRATION!! I am yet to learn to NOT hate my illness (oh illness is how I sum up/what I call my mental health) and this alone I know is a heavy basket to hold and probably makes my recovery that much harder and slower. When I learn to accept my illness better, manage it, find positives in my battles through it and maybe even be proud of it, stronger because of it, approachable and knowledgeable about it just maybe a relapse won’t happen again and if it does I’ll smash it out better than the time before that and so on…

My relapces are in my opinion fast approaching. I firstly feel out of sorts/not myself, I fluster easy and get busy feeling when actually I’m doing nothing out of the ordinary. Than I start to over think everything. Most commonly the children’s health and their own happiness (my children by the way are happy, healthy, normal little people) even when I know that their fine it’s getting that message to my brain to settle, relax and rationalise that I struggle with. Also I am known to have “verbal diarrhoea” but on the decline through my relapse I may over think everything like something I’ve said or done, I overthink the things people say to me, I may see something that upsets me and I’ll over think that too..basically I will overthink EVERYTHING! I become less motivated too and more tired because my sleeps become more restless and sometimes I struggle just to fall asleep when I’m down. My house work, my happiness and my mood all collapse at once over a duration of a few days…!

This rapid switch leaves me waking up at the point of that really tight heavy chest, feeling that feeling when you can’t breathe in a satisfying deep breath, that feeling where you can’t see yourself actually getting out of bed, I’m to scared, to scared to look after my children, my babies.. I’m scared of how I’m feeling.. I’m scared to get through the WHOLE day until my fiance gets home, I’m just so scared of everything outside my sheets it stops me in my tracks! Than… nausea jumps in too, often not actually vomiting at all but the nausea feeling ohhhhh it makes me sick, just thinking about it and reflecting on these times now makes me feel yuck. (Yes it appears that I may have a phobia of vomiting.. but that’s another story….) Personally I feel at this time during a “moment” that feeding an attack (an anxiety attack) will help me rid the feeling, let out the tension in my body but nooooo… for me this doesn’t work, for me it comforts me to let more attacks in (tried and tested) and so opens another scary door AN ANXIETY ATTACK!

By this time (remember 4th relapse here) being all to familiar with what is happening in my body I need to begin putting the steps I’ve learnt over many years of therapy into place. *Know that none of these steps are at the time any easier than the other as each are the hardest most scariest steps in my eyes at the time…… I focus….on my breathing….hear……my breath…….I hold my heart…. I hold my chest to feel my hearts beat (you know most of the time it’s not even beating fast and this is a HELPFUL reminder that it’s the illness, a reminder that this behaviour is normal for me and MANAGEABLE … Once I’ve calmed myself, once I’ve grasped control of my body comes the next HARD step…. PUSHING THROUGH

So I speak aloud my movements, every….single……step……”Jess walk to the toy room”, “good Jess”, “open the blinds”….this behaviour continues until I’m moving more comfortably.

Speaking aloud and physically holding myself are steps that help me push through the physical and mental blockers in my body.

I’d LOVE to connect with you and create a better life for ourselves!

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.